Part 5: The End

A tweet and Facebook memories, again, bring me here. It's your anniversary, hah! Whatever~

It was the whole 8 years of the whole journey to move on from you, dear boy. Throughout the years that I manifested, "I HAVE MOVED ON", I was not. I quietly try to catch a glimpse of you through our batch-mate's ig story.

Until the day I had some real talk with my friends somewhere last year or the year before, I realized that we were never meant to be. You're still being you, and I'd probably not the current me if we were still together. Thank God, though it takes 8 years to realize, at least, better late than never. 

I realize throughout the 8 years, though I started having an account from a couple of dating apps in 2020 (because of the lockdown, hahaha) I never really feel butterflies while messaging anyone. But I had butterflies every time I see you, from our batch-mate ig story. Crazy right? Even during our batch's iftar, 2019 is it? Entah, but it was hatred, but it was still you, deep inside, somehow.

After realizing that we have completely taken different paths, then I started looking for "the one". In fact, without realizing it, I smile like an idiot upon seeing a "Heyya" message from someone (this fella is also another story), but anyway, having a crush is never a problem anyway~ At least, my heart is beating again and I have butterflies for someone else, not you anymore. 

A close friend told me that, the closure that I want does not have to come from you anyway. As long as I know it's over, I can close the page and move on. And I finally am. Hence, goodbye S.A.~

The End

January 2023

Part 4: Are we still friends, at least ?

The only thought I had in mind is, what if we accidentally bump into each other, not in front of anyone we knew like school reunion or whatever, just us, are we going to greet each other like how others normally do, or run away?

Luckily we lived miles away. Before. And now I prayed so hard, to never, ever, bump into you.

... to be continue

School days.

My high school days were the best

I was being called ugly by a fake Facebook account when all I did was dancing on the stage with fav pretty girls of the school.

I was sexually harassed by the guys who bought their underwear using their parents' money.

I got insecure by the clothes I wore, wondering if its too revealing.

I climbed up stairs looking down, not because I'm afraid of the steep stairs, but to make sure that my “kain sekolah” didn't reveal my true skin tone.

Every time I walk to the classroom, I prayed so hard that no one 'dajjal' my table, locker and books. 

But, Allah knows to give me the best out of those pains.

These girls were there when I couldn't even tell my parents that a fake Facebook account keep saying "kau buruk" to their eldest daughter. They were there to tell me how my braveness and confident brings out beauty in me. 

They were there when those boys who bought cigarettes using their pocket money from their parents, dajjal my table and school books by drawing a sensitive part of the body of a growing lady by embracing me in their hugs and sometimes, cry with me.

But, I wasn’t the only one struggling. They were too. Regardless their very own struggle, they helped me out when sometimes they needed help for themselves. And I realized that we have each other.

And that’s why, high school days were the best.

Admit that I regret every second I choose to go dating rather than spending time with them.

And I kinda miss us, GD.

Passion or money

“Kau jaga anak syurga weh”

Speechless. Am I really sincere in helping them? I always remind myself not to be “hamba duit”. To always remember that experience is all I need and to enjoy every single day. But then, my best friend said this to me. Then only I realized. Oh yes they are. Then I start to put myself in their family’s shoes. Pity them. I have to handle their behavior for only 3 hours but their family is dealing with it forever. 

I accidentally push my student out of anger because he headbutt me. Right after I pushed him, I feel guilty because he seems surprised. Now, I miss him. 

190312

 Path.  

We took an opposite paths, one to the left and another to the right. The more we move, the longer the distance between us.

But the world is round. Encounter is possible.

-D-

Thank you 2018

I consider every year as a very different chapter but 2018 is definitely one of the best ( the most hectic and chaotic, hahahah lol) This is where I spend my final semester on thesis writing. I struggled for the whole 6 semesters not to have any C in my transcript and ended up having one C+ on the very final semester on a continuous assessment project. I'm doomed. Luckily, I graduated on time. Yeay!

After internship, I get a job (alhamdulillah) easily but this ungrateful lady is so busy chasing her dream job which makes her lost both. While working, I receive another offer which is super related to my degree so I submitted my resignation letter. Turn out, the new place doesn't fit me. What they told during interview and written in the contract is contradict but to make things short, they didn't tell me that it was going to be shift hours! As a fully depended public transportation user, I find it very inconvenient. So I ended up having to go through from A to Z again in job hunting. But its okay, I know it happens for a reason.

Lets pray for another amazing journey in 2019 and may I find you (kerja) and not to miss, you too (jodoh ehem where you at?! hahahaha) this year.

Part 3 : A proper goodbye

When you left,  you cut off all sorts of communication, leaving me unexplained. The only thing you said was, "kita jauh" and "you deserve better". Letting you know, rephrasing the 'you deserve better' is actually 'I have someone else better than you'. Thinking back on this dear boy, I'm glad you left. I'm glad its over. But to tell you the truth, I cried so hard all night that I cannot even remember for how long, until one day I realize;

'Does all the tears worth the reason?'

It was not. This is where it all started. I pick up all the broken pieces and strength left in me and trying to show how much I can grow stronger without you. And I really did. Not letting anyone in my life is also part of it that I myself never intended to do. That's why I've been single ever since.

... to be continue

Part 2: Facebook memories

So getting back to this, it was 4 years ago, I was 18. Yes it was high school love but seeing how long its been, and every time I saw something on social media, I still have this one odd feeling but definitely not jealousy or envy or anything related to still liking him, just .. some kind of odd and mixed feelings that even I cannot figure it out.

Sitting down, looking through Facebook memories, (I cleared them up already years ago but I forgot to clear the messenger, still got few lefts and Facebook reminded me on posts I've liked, ugh) clearly the scar is still there. Only, it becomes less visible now. Still. But from this, I figure out something.

We never had a proper goodbye

I AM TRULY FINE . Its just that I miss being in a relationship . That's all . Don't get me wrong . I don't have any feeling towards him . Not anymore .

... to be continue